2005 was a revolutionary year of my life, I will never forget the events that took place. Though there was much pain, everything has worked out for the better. I am so happy that I have evolved into the person who I am today. In fact, I am extremely proud of myself. I was once so weak, helpless, and frail. Now I see so many possibilities ahead of me. I am SO close. I can already see myself in the future. I'm going to make it.

This is my final Xanga entry. I am now only going to post my blogs on Myspace.

(forgot to post this on Xanga... lol, this is from 12/11/05)

a rebirth of Passion

It's been a week since John broke up with me. Honestly, it feels like a lot longer. I had never felt so awful in my entire life when our relationship ended. However, things have really gotten better for me. I was so upset the first couple of days that I couldn't eat and I could barely talk to anyone without crying. 

But... as I plunged into the depths of depression, there was something that kept me feeling hopeful: I had the most amazing support from my friends. I have never in my life felt so loved and supported. I can't even begin to thank everyone enough for being there for me. I have truly been blessed to have so many wonderful friends... they mean everything to me.

I think that I am finally over John. I am glad that we will still be friends, since it would be such a waste to just throw everything away for no reason. I still don't know why he broke up with me, but I don't worry about it anymore. It is time to move on and enter a new chapter of my life, which I have.

Anyways... believe it or not, I've had one of the best weeks I've had in awhile. I've been hanging out with Eric, Ryan, Mark, and/or Derek nearly everyday since last weekend. They are amazing people to say the least!!! I love them more than my own children!

So yeah, let's talk about Eric~ I met him over Thanksgiving Break a few weeks ago - we went Outlet mall shopping lol. Since then, we had been talking off and on for a while. However, recently we've been hanging out and talking nonstop! He is one of the sweetest and funniest guys I have ever met. Eric works two part-time jobs, one at Guess? (!!!) and the another at a pizza place called Carmine's. I've been visiting him frequently at both places, which has been so much fun. I love spending time with him during his breaks - even if it's just 15 short minutes, I still enjoy every second with him. We've also hung out 6 out of the 7 days of this past week... which is always a great sign! Our personalities mix so well... and he's like me in another body - we have literally everything in common! I love it, haha~ But yeah, I'm happy to say that we've grow surprisingly close. I can see many great and exciting things happening with him in the future. Speaking of which... we're going on our first date this Wednesday! I'm sure it will go well.

Other stuff that has been going on:
- LOTS of Shopping!: Ok so... I've spent about $400 this week... Oops? LOL~ FCUK had some huge and amazing sale, so I practically bought a new wardrobe~! It was soooooooo fun. Omg. Then I went into Guess? the next day and bought a hot new puffer jacket and some shades! Life is good. =)  Surprisingly, though, I haven't bought anything from Armani | Exchange for a while. Can you believe it??? I can't. ;)
- Sarah's 16th B-day Party: What a blast! I got to see a lot of my cute little Riverwood friends who I haven't seen and hung out with in ages. I also got to spend some good time with Sarah, Laura, and Melissa - they're mah girls. <3 I feel like I never get to see them anymore. Damn school and work. =/ Hmm. But yeah, it was a fun little get-together. We all mostly just say around and talked for most of the time. Then~ we had a bonfire and roasted marshmellows! Soooo cute.
- Lianna's Christmas Party: Once again, a blast! Lianna, Margaux, Nick, and I all took lots of pics and ate lots of food. <3 I enjoyed hanging out with all of them again. =) P.S.: I didn't let the cat out~! It wasn't me!
- Final Exams: AHHHHHHHHHHH. They've started! But at least school is going to be over soon. I can't wait for winter break!!!

I'm so happy that everything is looking up for me once again. I have so much to look forward to! And I feel as if I am continually growing stonger. It's such a wonderful feeling... =)

Whew, ok, anyways! I think I've written enough. More later! <3

I'm single.

John broke up with me.

It happened very randomly and at a time when I really need him most.

I thought things were great for the most part, even though we had a few bumps in the road every now and then.

Right now I'm crying so hard I can barely breathe...

I can't stop crying.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I tried to hard to make everything work and to become happy.

In the end... all my boyfriends have broken up with me.

I'm turning into an emotional wreck.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I shouldn't blame myself for him breaking up with me, I shouldn't.

Yet, I feel like I have to.

Everyone just leaves me in the end, that is the story of my life.

People say they love me and that they will be there, but it all just... disappears.

I might as well just disappear.

I thought I had everything, I guess.

Maybe I still do, but I don't feel happy at all.

I was happy with John, but it's over now...

I just can't imagine seeing him with other people or even seeing myself with other people.

I hate it.

I hate myself.

I really really hate my life.

Nothing has been going right for me...

And...

I felt like I did everything for him...

I mean, I even brought him soup, cookies, and a card when he fell ill...

...And I went to almost all his band occasions...

I just, I dunno... I've never been that supportive of anyone...

Just when I think I have control over things, life fails me.

I feel so hopeless.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to cry.

I don't want to disappear...

Please don't go away...

He's not a bad person...

I just...

Feel horrible...

But, I feel like I deserve this.

I really do.

I love you.

I hate it when it you hit "Back" and it deletes your ENTIRE blog entry!!! That is SO annoying!!! This is my second time rewriting this...

Anyways... Very busy, but productive week!

Wednesday - Outlet Mall Shopping with Rita (close friend of mine since 3rd grade)~ We had such a good time! Somehow, I ended up not buying anything (can you believe it?) and we met up with a cool guy named Eric, who proved himself to be absolutely hilarious! lol.

Thursday - Thanksgiving. Went out to a lunch buffet at a resort hotel with my parents. To my surprise, they didn't cause any drama and we actually had a nice afternoon together. We talked a lot about my future career oppurtunities, all of which they were (oddly) very supportive of. After stuffing our faces with food, we drove over to Kennesaw State University so I could show them around the campus. They turned out to be just as impressed with the campus as I was when I originally went, so now they are in favor of me applying to KSU. Later that night I spent the night at Nick's, which was fun. =)

Friday - Black Friday! Omg, where do I start? lol. I woke up, bolted out the door, and got to work at 11:30 am. Express was PACKED and the lines were backed up all the way to the entrance of the store. Fortunately for me, I was in fitting rooms the entire day so I didn't have to be at the cash registers where everyone was checking out. Talk about hectic. Oh well, I didn't do much other than fold piles of clothing lying around. ;) Haha. What made Black Friday so awesome, though, was working an entry shift with my friend Vanessa, who I have recently grown very close to. We had a blast folding, laughing, smiling, and talking all day long. Somehow I worked for 12 hours on Saturday and still managed to keep my spirits high~ (P.S. Special thanks to Derek for the friendly visit.)

Saturday - Today. Damn... I'm such a Work-a-Holic! Got up at 7:30 am (gotta love 5 hours of sleep...) and rushed over to the YMCA to teach my usual morning rock climbing classes. Once they were finished around noon-ish, I headed over to Express and worked for the better part of the day. At 6:45 pm I got off work and...

My friend Justin (from Myspace - we've been talking since this summer) and I finally met up for the first time and hung out! He went way out of his way to come visit me in Alpharetta, which means a lot to me. To sum things up: we chilled at the mall, ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and went out for ice cream until we both had to go. All I have to say is... wow. I have met very few people in my life that I feel like I can truly trust and open up to - Justin has proven to be one of them. I feel as if I poured out nearly my entire life story to him in one night. He listened so contently and offered me some great advice and insight. I can honestly say that he is one of the most experienced and knowledgeable friends I have ever met. We talked about so much tonight and overall had a truly enjoyable evening. Thanks again, Justin! It's great that we're now 'in real life friends' rather than just Myspace/AIM buddies. Haha, good times. =)


But yeah, besides working my ass off and hanging out with numerous amazing people... I miss John! Who is still currently at the beach! ...Without me, of course! ;) But the good news is that he'll be coming back tomorrow, so I'll get to see him sometime in the next few days. <3  I can't wait. I plan on smothering him in lots of hugs and kisses when he returns! Haha.

Good night.

Strength + the Wheel of Fortune (reversed)

More with the extreme ups and downs~

To start, my mom woke me and screamed at me for about half an hour last Sunday, ranting about how I "ruined her life" (because I'm gay). Let's see, what else did she say... LOL, She complained about how she is embarassed to be with me in public, how she thinks I've shamed our family name, how she could never be happy because of me, etc etc. She got so upset that she started crying, it was... um... very pathetic. I laugh at her weakness... and the fact that I was able to fight back and fully stand up for myself. My dad eventually joined in on the conversation, saying almost identical insults (hmm... brainwashed by my mom it seems). Anyways, I eventually just left the house and hung out with a cool kid named Derek, then went to work. =)

Ever since this "incident," they've been acting normal and pretending like everything is ok. Haha. Whatever, they'll eventually accept it and move on.

A few weeks back I had my 18th birthday party at my very very close friend Kelly Dye's house - it turned out to be a quite enjoyable event. I got to hang out with a lot of my friends that I don't see too often anymore. Good times.

John and I are still doing well. We seem to be talking and laughing more frequently than we used to, which is seriously great. I'm really glad to see this, it feels as if we are continually becoming closer. In about a week from now, we will have been together for 3 months! Sometimes I wonder about the future, though, like if he plans on taking our relationship past high school and into college. I'm all for it, but I'm not sure how he feels about it. I'll have to ask him when he gets back from Thanksgiving break.

OMG, it's SO cold. I'm freezing... *random*

Anyways... Lately I've come across some interesting realizations about myself.

- The first is that I am almost always able to put myself into an upbeat, perky mood, regardless of how I'm actually feeling inside. This "falsity" works to my benefit and in turn usually makes me feel better about things. I'm not always like this, for example: when I'm around the people I'm closest to, I usually don't hold back how I'm feeling. But still, it's nice to be able to control the way my moods are presented.
- I tend to worry a LOT less about things than I used to. I feel more carefree, even though there are still things to worry about. I actually have noticed... that I often pretend to worry about things, but inside I couldn't care less. Lol. Example: college. I could be worrying about turning in applications, getting accepted, and finding a place I'd enjoy. But instead... honestly? I don't really care where I go to college, as long as its not a community college. I'll eventually turn my applications in, but I mean... if I don't get accepted into my top choice, it's not the end of the world. There's an alternative to everything. At least, that's what I always say.
- Oddly enough, I feel as if there is a slight cold/evil/manipulative streak within me. I somehow have the ability to do or say "cruel" things and not feel any sort of guilt or remorse. I guess it semi goes along with my attitude of "live life with no regrets." Hmm. Nonetheless, I won't mention anything more about this topic. Lol. ;)
- Through the way I present myself, I am able to make new friends quite easily. If a friend bails out on me or treats me poorly, the good news is that I can always move on and make new friends easily or grow closer to ones who I've already befriended. Don't get me wrong, though, I love all my friends dearly! And I would never wish to grown less close to any of them. But sometimes... it happens. Sometimes friendships do fall apart or just vanish. Sad...

Enough with reflections for now. I'm going shopping tomorrow~! (As if I don't do that enough already... <3) It should prove to be very fun! This week I'm not up to much except working NON-stop on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But hey, work = money. =)